{"id":353,"date":"2018-10-08T12:33:50","date_gmt":"2018-10-08T11:33:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.tuffrey-wijne.com\/?p=353"},"modified":"2018-10-08T12:33:50","modified_gmt":"2018-10-08T11:33:50","slug":"how-long-does-a-body-burn-and-where-does-the-spirit-go","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.tuffrey-wijne.com\/?p=353","title":{"rendered":"How long does a body burn, and where does the spirit go?"},"content":{"rendered":"

There\u2019s quite a drive these days to make sure that people do a bit of funeral planning.\u00a0Including\u00a0people with learning disabilities. Do you want to be buried or cremated? Do you want flowers?\u00a0Music? A church service?<\/p>\n

There are easy-read documents that can be used as templates for funeral planning, such as When I Die<\/a> or What If… Celebrating My\u00a0Life<\/a><\/p>\n

I\u2019m a great fan of funeral planning.<\/h4>\n

The trouble is, when it comes to my own, I keep changing my\u00a0mind. Even the burial\/cremation preference has a tendency to change with each wonderful or less-than-wonderful funeral I go to.<\/p>\n

But I do have the advantage of having been to very many funerals. Plus, in my hospice nursing days, I\u00a0was sent on a course that involved visiting funeral parlours, nosing around the local crematorium and\u00a0generally having all questions answered and myths busted.<\/p>\n

But even knowing what all the options are, it\u2019s not straightforward to plan your own funeral. For\u00a0starters, what might be the wishes of those left behind? What if I specify tea & cake afterwards, but\u00a0they would have liked to raise a glass of bubbly? What if I opt for cremation but they would love to visit a grave? This is why I haven\u2019t written anything down. I\u2019m not ready for an easy-read funeral\u00a0plan, because they require straightforward answers, and I don\u2019t have them. I\u2019d rather think about\u00a0funerals with my family when it<\/span>\u00a0comes up in conversation (and yes, it does, regularly enough), and I\u00a0trust that when the time comes, my family will do whatever is good for them and, by implication, for\u00a0me.<\/p>\n

GRASSroots<\/h4>\n

Two and a half years ago, we set up the GRASSroots group, a local group of people with learning\u00a0disabilities. We spend a Thursday afternoon drinking tea and eating biscuits\/grapes\/bananas whilst\u00a0talking about death and dying. Every month. We have shared the stories of the people we have\u00a0loved and who have died, again and again and again.<\/p>\n

The people in the group are perfectly capable of understanding that they, too, will die one day.<\/p>\n

But\u00a0it\u2019s only now, after 24 meetings, that they felt ready to invite a funeral director. I suggested it a year ago, but it didn\u2019t make the top five of Good Ideas (at that time, visiting a\u00a0hospice came top \u2013 which we duly did). This autumn, however, the idea of finding out more about\u00a0funerals struck a chord with the group.\u00a0We found Isabelle and Elizabeth from Poppy\u2019s Funerals<\/a>, based at the cemetery down the road (look\u00a0them up, they are absolutely lovely), who were delighted to answer our questions.<\/p>\n

\"\"

Talking about funerals made me think of my mother’s funeral in 2014<\/p><\/div>\n

Before they\u00a0turned up, we spent an hour talking together about the funerals we remember, how we feel about\u00a0funerals, what is good and what is difficult. Listening to each other, we learned how different\u00a0funerals can be. Mothers, grandmothers, partners, somebody\u2019s beloved dog. Burials, cremations.\u00a0That strange moment when the curtains close and you have to walk away. Could you go and see what\u00a0happens behind that curtain? What happens with the coffin?<\/p>\n

These are not just questions from the people with learning disabilities.<\/h4>\n

We all had lots of questions.\u00a0Here are some of them. Would you know the answers? And what would you<\/em> like to know?<\/p>\n

1. What is embalming?<\/em>
\n 2. What makes funerals expensive?<\/em>
\n 3. What is inside the oven \u2013 is it flames?<\/em>
\n 4. Can you put everything in the oven, including jewellery and photos?<\/em>
\n 5. How long does a body burn?<\/em>
\n 6. What is left after the body has burnt? Are there bones?<\/em>
\n 7. Can you be buried in your garden?<\/em>
\n 8. Where does the spirit go?<\/em><\/p>\n

At this stage, I must own up to a hidden agenda.<\/h4>\n

Part of the reason I started this group is that I need\u00a0more people with learning disabilities to help and advise me on my research projects. In order to\u00a0advise on our \u201cTalking About Dying Survey\u201d, people must be\u00a0able to, well, talk about dying. That evokes memories of the deaths in our lives, so we must talk\u00a0about those first (as I said: again, and\u00a0 again, and again).<\/p>\n

Some of the group members have become excellent research advisors. Others prefer just to come\u00a0and talk, or even just to listen \u2013 some members do not say very much, but faithfully turn up every\u00a0month. One such quiet member says the meetings are \u201cvery interesting\u201d, although death and funerals are\u00a0\u201cnot the cheeriest of subjects\u201d.<\/p>\n

I am hoping to do more research into the processes of shared end-of-life decision making with\u00a0people with learning disabilities. Evaluating the available materials (including easy-read funeral\u00a0plans) will be part of that, so it would be quite good if I had a group of local people who were able to\u00a0do that.<\/p>\n

Surely, having spent two and a half years talking about dying, and now a whole afternoon asking\u00a0questions about funerals, people might want to begin to think about their own?\u00a0How about looking\u00a0at some of these easy-read documents?<\/p>\n

But no: this suggestion was met with a reluctant silence.\u00a0Instead, people jumped at Isabelle\u2019s invitation to come and visit Poppy\u2019s Funeral parlour. Have a look around, ask more questions, have a look at the cemetery. So that\u2019s what we\u2019ll do next month.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sure we all agree that people have a right to be involved in planning their own funeral, but how to do it?<\/h4>\n

And is it\u00a0actually what they want to do?\u00a0I am left wondering whether it\u2019s not so much \u201cwriting down your\u00a0funeral wishes\u201d that matters, but the ability to talk together about funerals and to ask questions. And the opportunity to be involved in planning the funerals of those we love. I don’t think this happens enough.<\/p>\n

In our Talking About Dying Survey, staff reported that out of 184 people with learning disabilities who had been recently bereaved, 119 had attended the funeral – but only 27 had been involved in planning or preparing the funeral in any way. For roughly half of the bereaved people, it was a parent who had died, so this finding is interesting. When my mother died, it was obvious that I needed to be involved in planning her funeral, despite living in a different country and being rather ill at the time. So were my teenage children, who did readings, made music and helped carry Oma (Grandma) in her coffin, which contained a thank-you note from the three of them.\u00a0Being involved in funeral planning is not only an important part of grieving, but also helps to learn what the funeral choices are.<\/p>\n

What was wonderful about the GRASSroots meeting was discovering, once again, that the emotions\u00a0around deaths and funerals affect all of us, whether we have learning disabilities or not. (One person cried when she talked about a personal experience. It was the funeral director.)<\/p>\n

And whilst we had many of our\u00a0questions answered, being a funeral director (or indeed a professor) was no help when it came to life’s biggest questions.<\/p>\n

Where does<\/em> the spirit go?<\/h3>\n
\"\"

Isabelle from Poppy’s Funerals (far left) with members of the GRASSroots group<\/p><\/div>\n

Just in case you are wondering: here are the answers.<\/h4>\n

1. What is embalming?<\/em><\/strong> Draining the dead body of blood, and replacing it with chemicals. Like a\u00a0preservative that stops the body from \u201cgoing off\u201d. (Although it is perfectly possible to keep\u00a0a body in good condition, even at home, without embalming. The funeral director\u00a0mentioned ice packs.)
\n2. What makes funerals expensive?<\/em><\/strong> Limousines, hearse, fancy coffins. None if this is necessary\u00a0(you could indeed take the coffin to the funeral in your own car, if it fits.)
\n3. What is inside the oven \u2013 is it flames?<\/em><\/strong> No, it\u2019s simply an extremely hot place. Hot enough to\u00a0make the coffin burst into flames.
\n4. Can you put everything in the oven, including jewellery and photos?<\/em><\/strong> Yes, although usually\u00a0there won\u2019t be anything left of the jewellery. Glass is best avoided, so photos should just be\u00a0plain or in a simple wooden frame. Flowers are usually taken off the coffin, because they\u00a0create too much smoke.
\n5. How long does a body burn?<\/em><\/strong> Two to three hours.
\n6. What is left after the body has burnt? Are there bones?<\/em><\/strong> The only thing left are some pieces of\u00a0the largest bones in the body. Sometimes there are some bits of metal left (for example, a\u00a0hip replacement). Everything is scraped out of the oven and cooled down. The metal bits are\u00a0taken out. The bones are put through a grinder, to make \u201cashes\u201d.
\n7. Can you be buried in your garden?<\/em><\/strong> Yes, if you own the garden, and it\u2019s not too close to water\u00a0(but you need to get the right permission)
\n8. Where does the spirit go?<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0…?????<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There\u2019s quite a drive these days to make sure that people do a bit of funeral planning.\u00a0Including\u00a0people with learning disabilities. Do you want to be buried or cremated? Do you want flowers?\u00a0Music? A church service? There are easy-read documents that can be used as templates for funeral planning, such as When I Die or What […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-353","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorised"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.tuffrey-wijne.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/353","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.tuffrey-wijne.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.tuffrey-wijne.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.tuffrey-wijne.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.tuffrey-wijne.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=353"}],"version-history":[{"count":13,"href":"http:\/\/www.tuffrey-wijne.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/353\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":368,"href":"http:\/\/www.tuffrey-wijne.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/353\/revisions\/368"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.tuffrey-wijne.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=353"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.tuffrey-wijne.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=353"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.tuffrey-wijne.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=353"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}